Monday, October 22, 2012

Becky For President

A note before we begin:

This post is a satire.

The definition of satire is:

"Wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly.  A literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn."

In other words, I'm just trying to be funny.

Everyone say it together now:

SATIRE.

Moving on.


Campaign promises... Zzzzzzzzzzzz.  A good seventy-five percent of them are about as exciting to me as a trip down the plumbing aisle at Home Depot.

I wait with baited breath for the day when Obama is finally able to strengthen the International Atomic Energy Agency, and establish IAEA verification procedures that go beyond the additional protocol to strengthen the agency's ability to detect clandestine facilities and actives!

That will be so awesome!

I'm going to throw a party if Romney is elected and has the chance to organize all of our diplomatic and assistance efforts in the greater Middle East under one official with the authority and accountability necessary to to train all our soft power resources thus ensuring that Arab Spring does not fade into a long Winter!

Riveting.

Why don't presidential candidates ever promise stuff like this:

"If I'm elected, I will ensure better regulations on peanut quality control, so that no one ever has to eat the one nasty peanut M&M in a hundred that tastes like death."

That's the kind of candidate I would be.  I've got a little list going of stuff I would change if I became leader of the free world.  Here goes:

- Immediate legislation to make all tin cans pop top.  Seriously, we live in a world with FANTASTIC technology, yet I still have to whip out a can opener with an archaic crank mechanism if I want to open a can of tomatoes.

- It would be against the law to put gooey stickers on ANYTHING.  You know what I'm talking about.  The kind that take fifteen minutes a piece to remove from that set of ten plates you just bought... and there's STILL a stupid gummy residue when you're done.  Arghhhhhh!!!!

- Death penalty for improper use of four-way stops.  At the very least, a severe flogging.

- Dippable (what do you mean that's not a word?!) ketchup thingys (also not a word) in EVERY fast food restaurant.  I eat at Chick-Fil-A for their dippable ketchup alone... OK, and the decaf DC.  And the food.  I'm hungry.

- Speaking of restaurants, Cafe Rio would be required to put in drive up windows.  The times I need Cafe Rio most, are typically the days when I've been pushed to the limits of sanity and look like a zombie from the Thriller video.  Better yet, they would be required to deliver.  Yeah, delivery's good.

- I would demand that BBC have normal television seasons.  No more of this four episodes a year thing they've got going on.  I promise to work closely with the Prime Minister on this one.

What changes would you like to see in the world?  Longer lasting flavor in Bubba-licious bubble gum?  A law that does away with county, state, and country reports in elementary schools?  I'd love to hear your ideas!  Together we can make a difference!

If you write me in for president, I promise to do whatever it takes to make all your wildest dreams come true.  

I'm Becky Halls, and I approved this blog post.

Now, one more time... repeat after me:

SATIRE.

The last time I posted something "political" people rioted in the streets. 

3 comments:

  1. You got our vote, however We did vote by mail. We'll have to ask for a recall. You're our choice for President.
    Love yo Mom & Dad

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  2. I'm with you on the dippable ketchup. Brilliant idea! Nobel prize worthy.

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  3. SO many wonderful ideas! You would make a fantastic president!!

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